


Kisses and Enemies

by slytherab



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Crack Relationships, Harry Potter & Ron Weasley Friendship, Humor, M/M, it is crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:35:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29140869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slytherab/pseuds/slytherab
Summary: For most people, kisses mean something.  So exactly what did Harry Potter mean when he started kissing random people?
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Harry Potter/Percy Weasley, Harry Potter/Ron Weasley, Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Harry Potter/Voldemort, Neville Longbottom/Harry Potter
Comments: 34
Kudos: 220





	Kisses and Enemies

It all started when Harry found a very interesting book in the library. He was close to the section dedicated to DADA, the only reason he went there. The book had a dark red cover, its title was written in gold and around the cover there were kiss drawings in bright red. It looked more like a Valentine's Day card than a book, especially when the title was _'The Power of Kisses'._

Harry knew that his curiosity could kill him one day, but he can't help but take that book and sit on the table further away and hidden from the library. He certainly didn't want to be caught reading a book like that, the jokes he was getting this year because of the Daily Prophet were good enough. He sat throwing his backpack on the chair and opened the book. Harry coughed when he smelled the pages, it was a sweet scent, not as sweet as Lavender Brown's scents (which gave a horrible sneeze attack), it could be worse. He felt a headache arising but tried not to care.

Harry traced his fingers across the texts written in gold, which didn't help much for someone who wore glasses like him. He stopped at a chapter, near the end of the book, which had the words ‘ _LOVE OR HATE? HOW TO DISCOVER!'_ engraved with glitter.

_That there is a fine line between love and hate everyone knows. But what people don't know is how to find out how fragile that line is. So, this book will help you find out!_

_Do you know that boy or girl who is always teasing you? The one that everyone says hates you? That one! The one you are always fighting about and keeps pestering you? Have you ever thought that there might be something behind it? Human beings are known to have feelings, one of the things that differentiate them from other animals, but that does not mean that we humans know how to deal with them!_

_Let's do a test, okay? The next time that boy or girl teases you, instead of telling you back, kiss him! There is no need to be a French kiss, unless that hatred is more intense or you wanted to take things a step further (if you know what I mean)._

Harry stopped reading frowning, strangely, that seemed to make a little sense. He vaguely remembered the muggle movies that Aunt Petunia watched on Saturday nights, and he remembered that many of the films involved some kind of conflict from the couples in the beginning. His eyes widened when he looked at his watch, he would be too late for his Potions class if he didn't run in that minute.

Getting up quickly, he grabbed the book and put it in his backpack. He hurried out of the library, not even stopping to warn Madame Pince that he would be carrying one of her books. Harry ran down the halls, wondering whether or not he should test what that book had said. The book looked a little stupid, vaguely like a book that a passionate teenager would write, but they had a considerable point after all. Maybe he should just try ... It would be nice to end some of his conflicts.

Harry turned into the Potions class aisle, a frown on his face as he approached Ron and Hermione. "Where have you been?" He came to his friend's slightly oppressive voice, but Harry ignored her, he didn't need it now. He leaned against the wall and waited for Snape to arrive, the Potions class he liked least, perhaps not so much because of the potions and more because of the professor.

"Look there, Plotter!" A mocking voice called from a few feet away from him. "You must be feeling now that no one else licks the ground you step on!" Harry turned to face Draco Malfoy, the Slytherin was standing arrogantly, his two footmen, Crabbe and Goyle, a few inches behind him, there were another group of Slytherins behind the three, some holding laughter but most of them silent.

Harry didn't say anything, sometimes it was a little tiring all this fight with Malfoy, he didn't even know why the Slytherin didn't like him. So what if he refused the boy's friendship? He shouldn't have been so rude. Suddenly, a thought occurred to him. That was his chance. He frowned slightly as he stared at Malfoy, the teenager was not ugly, to be sure, but he was not very attractive to Harry either, but maybe it was just the part of him that hated Malfoy that found the teenager nothing memorable.

"Wow, Potter, did anyone steal your tongue?" Malfoy replied when neither Harry nor Hermione or Ron responded or his insult.

Seized by a surge of courage, which could be a little stupid at times, Harry moved towards the Slytherin. He vaguely heard Hermione's voice telling him not to do that, and saw Ron's arm out of the corner of his eye trying to reach him. Malfoy took his wand out of his robe pocket and raised it towards Harry, he sure as hell wasn't waiting for what was coming next.

Harry raised his hands and placed each side of the Slytherin's face, he leaned over and _kissed_ Malfoy's mouth quickly. His lips pressed together for a few seconds, the Slytherin's body totally paralyzed. The other teenager's lips were dry and felt more like kissing a wall. Harry walked away a few seconds later, he looked intently at Malfoy, expecting some reaction, when there was not even a single Slytherin, a victorious smile crossed Harry's lips. Perhaps that book was not so stupid after all.

At that very moment, Snape opened the door, Harry being the first to enter, followed by the remains of the students who seemed, at best, mortified. He sat quietly in one of the chairs at the back, removing his potions book and preparing for that class, much more excited than before. Ron joined him a few seconds later, he was a little redder than normal for Harry.

The class started even normally, Snape strangely saying no comment about Harry. In fact, the professor didn't even seem to care, his dark eyes just staring at the Slytherins, but specifically Malfoy, who looked like a mixture of excessive pallor and red cheeks. When class ended, Harry got up and headed towards the Great Hall, Ron and Hermione just behind him, he could tell that they were whispering about something, but he was too ecstatic to be concerned.

He sat at the Gryffindor table, Ron sitting across from him, quickly filling his plate with food, and Hermione beside him, who looked at him as a particularly complicated puzzle. "Harry, what THE FUCK WAS THAT?" Ron screamed abruptly, his red face matching his auburn hair, drawing attention from almost the entire Great Hall.

"What?" He asked a little confused. Ron's eyes widened as if he couldn't believe Harry would say something like that.

Harry tilted his head slightly, facing his best friend. He didn't hate Ron, quite the opposite, in fact, he loved his friend in a clear platonic way, but at that moment Ron looked very angry. This was not hate, Harry knew, but perhaps he could avoid the impending conflict. Making his decision, Harry leaned across the table, he very gently removed a lock of red hair from his friend that was close to his mouth. Approaching, Harry _pressed his lip_ s against Ron's. He frowned, his friend's lips felt much more kissable than Malfoy's, but maybe it was just the pleasant taste of the pumpkin juice he was drinking before.

It was a little strange to _kiss_ his best friend, Harry thought as he walked away, but the sweet taste of juice on his lips helped a lot. The Great Hall was filled with murmurs when Harry started to eat as if nothing had happened. He felt a finger poking him in the side, so hard it even hurt. Harry turned to face Hermione. "What's it?" He asked as he raised a spoonful of mashed potatoes to his mouth.

"What's wrong? Harry, what's going on?" She asked harshly, and tapped Harry's spoon, hurling the portion of mashed potato at Neville, who was sitting next to them. The food hit Neville in the face, who looked very hunched in his chair. Hermione's eyes widened when she saw what she had done. "Oh Merlin, Neville, I'm sorry!" She screamed as she launched herself at the teenager, taking a napkin off the table, Hermione rubbed the Gryffindor's face.

Harry wanted to say that it wasn't working at all, as the puree was just spreading across his colleague's face, but he realized that this was his chance to get away. Getting up in a hurry, he grabbed his backpack and walked quickly, looking back to see if anyone had noticed her leaving. Everyone seemed to be more concerned with whispering fervently, or watching the scene that Hermione was doing on Neville's face, holding back laughter.

* * *

It wasn't until the next day that Harry had to use his new _counter-hate_ _method_ (the name was not so good, but he didn't have much time to think about it). It happened in the middle of the common room, while he was writing his Transfiguration work by the fireplace. Hermione was beside him, correcting some things he wrote wrong while also reading a book that was entitled _'How to know that your friend is possessed by an Inccubus!'_ It seemed like a bit of an odd reading for Harry, but he knew that Hermione could read everything.

Ron had been a little lost since Harry kissed him the day before, his friend was always giving him confused looks when he thought he wasn't looking. And when they went to shower when they woke up, Ron chose the shower further away, and whenever Harry accidentally looked at him, his friend blushed and tried to cover his private parts. It was as if he thought Harry was going to rape him.

He was calmly writing when something took the light he was using, looking up, he looked confused at the sight of a very angry Ginny Weasley. "You kissed my brother!" She screamed, hands on her hips as she pointed a finger at his face, much like Mrs. Weasley did when she was upset. "My brother, Harry!" She spoke with emphasis.

"Yes it is?" Harry asked a little confused.

"And? Harry!" She shouted back, looking almost like hate. He stared at her for a few minutes, before getting up, his housemates' eyes following the movement. With a single movement, Harry put an arm around Ginny's waist, and approached her bodies. He _kissed_ her the moment it looked like she was going to say something more.

Her lips were glued with a kind of lip gloss with a very good strawberry taste, and the proximity of her bodies was good, but he didn't really like having to lean down to kiss her. That movement of his neck could give a stiff neck someday. Maybe it was a little weird, but Harry had liked the kiss he gave Ron more than Ginny's.

He pulled away, removing his arm from her waist, Ginny moved forward, as if she wanted to kiss him again, but Harry's next words stopped her. "Your brother kisses better." He spoke simply, sitting on the couch and starting to write his work again.

A few hours later, Ron sat next to him, throwing an arm around his shoulders and talking about how he was the best friend in the world, and how several girls had talked to him when they heard that _'Harry Potter_ _had liked of your kiss.'_

* * *

By the end of the week, close to Christmas, Harry had kissed two more people. The first had been surprising Neville Longbottom, who had been very _(very!)_ Annoyed when Harry said without thinking that _'One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi'_ was a very bad book. At that moment, Harry realized why exactly Neville had gone to Gryffindor, because he looked very much like a lion when he threw himself towards Harry. The proximity of that movement only helped Harry, who pressed his lips tightly against Neville's. The _kiss_ had also been surprisingly good, since Neville's arms were around him, even if it was to strangle him.

The second had been, yuck, Severus Snape. Harry winced when he remembered that kiss. Snape had found him sneaking out after curfew, and he looked very angry and malicious when he saw Harry. He had never, ever, wanted to kiss Snape, the man was very unpleasant in Harry's opinion, and particularly disgusting too. But Harry knew that he could not only test the anti-hate method with only beautiful and friendly people (in the case of Ron, Ginny and Neville). That's why, very reluctantly, Harry pressed his lips against Snape's, he didn't even try to touch the man, much less his oily hair.

He had left his lips pressed for just a second, or maybe even less, and stayed close to the man just long enough to know if he would react. When he didn't react, and seemed to have no reaction, a winning smile appeared on his lips. He had escaped without any punishment!

When he arrived at his dorm, Ron gave him a funny look as he brushed his lips and teeth until his gums were swollen and bruised. That night, safe in his bed, away from prying eyes, Harry took the book out of his backpack again.

On the back cover, he wrote in pink ink, stolen directly from Lavender Brown's trunk.

_LIST OF THE BEST KISSES (ALL SUCCESSFUL)_

_1- Neville Longbottom (tried to hang me but maybe I like something harder?)_  
_2- Ron Weasley (had just had pumpkin juice, it tasted good)_  
_3- Ginny Weasley (very good strawberry gloss)_  
_4- Draco Malfoy (no comments)_  
_5- Severus Snape (DISGUSTING, old enough to be my father, seems to have some kind of obsession with my mother)_

* * *

The next time Harry kissed someone was months later. He had had conflicts with Umbridge mainly after the woman created a rule about not kissing in public places and looked directly at him as she said. But there wasn't really a direct conflict, and after Snape, Harry was a little traumatized by kissing teachers.

People still whispered a little bit about him kissing five people (they luckily didn't know about Snape) in a week. And Hermione still continued to give him strange looks, but she was caring more about the fact that people recently found Ron very attractive.

He had received a letter from Sirius along with a mailbox, which Harry thanked Merlin for not opening in public, as it contained several ... _sexual_ things that made Harry's cheeks turn red just to remember about. His godfather was very interested in his kisses, even asking Ron for details when they stayed at Grimmauld Place for Christmas. It was a little embarrassing, especially when Mrs. Weasley stared at him and complained about him kissing his two youngest children.

It was only at the end of the school year that Harry gave one more of his counter-hate kisses. It was in the Atrium of Ministry, just when he came face to face with none other than Voldemort.

The moment his eyes focused on the serpentine man, the Dark Lord cast a curse of sickly color towards him. Harry knew what he was supposed to do, but it had been difficult. He had to dodge and raise shields as he tried to move closer to Voldemort. As he struggled, Harry wondered if he should really do that.

Voldemort was horrible, with no nose, no lips, red eyes like a cat, strangely tall, barefoot (which Harry still thought was very weird), and big nails. He looked like the mix of everything Harry didn't find attractive. But in the end, Harry was the _Boy-Who-Lived_ , the _Savior_ , he should make sacrifices for the Greater Good. As his parents they had sacrificed his life so that he could live. Perhaps, that prophecy that everyone seemed so interested in, said exactly that.

_The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches ... born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies ... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not ... and they must kiss for the war to end ... the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies ..._

And if that sacrifice were to _kiss_ Voldemort to end the war, he would do it.

The second he saw a loophole to approach Voldemort, Harry stepped forward. Grabbing the Dark Lord's bald head, Harry pressed his lips against ... the crack? The _hole_? Voldemort's mouth had no lips. It's all right. He pressed his lips against Voldemort's mouth. Harry's eyes widened when he felt ... something. A pressure builds up in the lower part of her belly. Closing them again, he pressed harder, the moment the dark wizard wrapped an arm around Harry's waist. His other arm held the teenager's face, his nails tickling the Gryffindor's cheek.

Voldemort was ... _responding_. Too much, in fact, he thought when he felt something try to get into his mouth. The minute he realized it was the Dark Lord's language, Harry remembered the passage from the book. _'There is no need to be a French kiss, unless that hatred is more intense or you wanted to take things a step further (if you know what I mean).'_

The hatred between him and Voldemort was really strong, and if a French kiss was necessary for peace, it was fine with him. Correspondingly, Harry parted his lips a little more, allowing Voldemort's tongue to make its way into his mouth. It was strangely good, especially when you had your eyes closed and could pretend you weren't kissing a snake-like man.

Harry slowly and very fearfully, he stuck his tongue in the direction of Voldemort's mouth, and when his tongues touched ... Wow, that was good. He felt Voldemort's hand on his waist slip down, passing over his belly towards his ...

_'or you wanted to take things a step further (if you know what I mean).'_

He opened his eyes wide when he realized exactly what Voldemort wanted. Should Harry leave? Maybe it wasn't so bad ... He gasped when a thought cut his head off. Harry remembered a biology class he had taken as a child, he remembered the professor saying that male snakes used to have two sexual organs. Did Voldemort have two penises? Were they as pale as your skin? Did they have scales? The thought turned his stomach.

The sound of various pops and gasps removed Harry from his conflicting thoughts. He tried to push Voldemort lightly to stop the kiss, but the Dark Lord only pressed them harder. Had he read that book, too? Why else would he want to kiss you so badly? They only parted when they heard a particularly loud scream, along with the sound of cameras taking pictures and photographic lights.

"What!" Harry recognized Percy Weasley's squeaky voice. Turning to face them, he looked at where Percy was standing, a few feet away from Minister Fudge, he could also see Dumbledore close by, an almost curious expression on his face.

Seized by the courage to end a war, Harry moved towards Percy. He leaned over, and _sealed his lips_ against the red-haired man's, ignoring how uncomfortable his glasses were meeting. When he pulled away, only one thought occurred to him.

Only four redheads were left before he could kiss all the Weasley brothers.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, this is CRACK, most of the things I write are.
> 
> English is not my first language, so there are likely to be grammatical errors in the story. Help is always welcome!


End file.
